Today has been a red-letter day for sure…
As a church, we have been going through the Believe book. This week, we covered the topic of patience.
Aaaahhhhh yes…patience…we all want more of it, but we don’t want to go through the painful process of obtaining it. I would love to be more patient…with myself, with my kids, with the person driving 10 miles under the speed limit. But I don’t want to have to work through it.
Wouldn’t you know it, today is the day (one of many) that I COMPLETELY blew up on my daughter. Yep, all you other mothers out there better just withdraw your names for the Mother of the Year award…it’s totally coming my way this year.
For those of you who know my daughter, she truly is delightful. She is kind and has a huge heart. She is funny and loves to do things to make me laugh. She has such a heart for animals and the oppressed.
She is also a ‘tween.’
So, I have been under a tremendous amount of pressure. I have writing deadlines to meet — I really do want to be a writer one day — and the best way to do that is to get my writing out there.
I also stepped into a full-time teaching position about 4 weeks ago, which, the only accurate way to describe it is to say it’s like trying to drink out of a fire hydrant.
I’m also in the final steps of a divorce. And it’s yucky. We’ve been separated for a while now, but it doesn’t stop the hurt.
Some people in my life know of these things and some do not. And when people ask me, “How are you doing?” my natural-gut-instinct is to plaster on a smile and say, “I’m great.”
But let me let all of my readers in on a little secret…ssshhhhh…
I’m not great.
I’m not good.
I’m not even fine, really.
I’m hurting. I’m hurting from a marriage that was built on lies and deceit. And, to be honest, I’m having a tremendously difficult time forgiving; him AND me. Yes, I know that unforgiveness is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. Doesn’t change the fact that it’s incredibly difficult to just forget about all of the plans you made, the plans you thought the other person was making alongside you.
I’m overwhelmed. I’m overwhelmed with the actual teaching and the grading and the upset parents. I recently discovered a mistake in how grades were calculated. And in so doing, I upset many parents and students. One email in particular was from a ‘friend.’ I use the air quotes, because I would have thought that I would have been given the benefit of the doubt from this parent. But not at all. Instead I was told just how wrong I am. Awesome. I had to wait almost 48 hours before collecting myself and my thoughts before responding. Otherwise, I KNOW I would have said something I would have regretted.
I’m on the go. All. Of. The. Time. I love watching my kids be involved in sports and activities, but I’m constantly running. And trying to run a household and feed them relatively healthy meals. And work. And write.
I’m so incredibly insecure about my relationships with women, it’s ridiculous. I’ve been listening to Beth Moore while I get ready in the mornings and she has really hit some sensitive topics. I’m in constant competition — with other teachers, with other mothers, with other women, with other writers, with MYSELF — that it does NOTHING healthy for my self-esteem.
All I hear from the negative committee that meets in my head is YOU ARE NOT ENOUGH.
Yep. It’s been great being me these days.
The problem, as I see it, is I’m not giving things to God. I’m trying to do everything in my own power. In my own skill. In my own strength.
Guess what? I can’t. And neither can you.
Remember my daughter from earlier in this lengthy post? Well, I’m quite certain that I broke her tonight. I’m pretty confident that her spirit is now completely wrecked. Everything that I’ve had building up inside me exploded out of my mouth and onto her tween heart and spirit.
It’s not her fault, at all. And not to make excuses for myself AT ALL, but she’s always there. She is with me 100% of the time outside of school, and I also have her for two periods at school. And she always stops to see me during her lunch.
I’ve tried calmly and rationally explaining to her that no two people are meant to be together 100% of the time…but that hasn’t gotten through.
I’m guessing my complete meltdown made my point, though.
I’m also guessing that I’m going to have to completely humble myself and apologize and beg for her forgiveness. It’s in my favor that she is kind and has a huge heart.
While this post wasn’t meant to be completely about my daughter, I wanted to show you all how lovely she truly is.
What was the point of all of this?
For me to process some things and get some stuff off of my chest. Maybe someone else out there is going through some of the same junk.
Also, when you ask someone how they’re doing, and you know some of the backstory, you might just put your arm around them and say, ‘how are you REALLY doing?’
It might go a long way. I know it would for me.